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The Sarcasm Report v.186

iShares Short Treasury Bond ETF

Average Yield to Maturity: 0.15%
Expense Ratio: 0.15%

Perfect!

It is just like cash, only it isn't cash. It's a professionally managed bond fund! Genius!

Check out the fund's chart. What's not to like? $2.4 billion in assets! Very popular!

July 20, 2009
Focus on short end of yield curve, PIMCO says

Focus as you patiently await the end of ZIRP! 5 years so far! But we really, really, really mean it this time!



It's at an end! Cutting out! Kaput! Finished! Drop the curtain! Break camp! Pull up stakes! Finis! Absolutely, positively it! Not pulling your leg! Down the road! We swear we won't ever be back! Ain't gonna happen! Forget about it! Shutting it down! Lost our lease! Can't find it! Don't care! We're done! Closing shop! Putting up the shutters! Bolting the doors! Slamming them closed! Gonna board the place up! Nailing it shut! Big nails! Nothing gets in or out! Sealing it off! We're history! We really! Really! Really! Mean it! We're not jerking your chain on this! No snow job! Not bluffing! No kidding!

This concludes today's sarcasm report. :)

The Sarcasm Report v.185


Click to enlarge.

The blue line shows the annual average of the St. Louis Fed Financial Stress Index and the Kansas City Financial Stress Index.

The red line shows the negative of the annual average of the real S&P 500 Index (December 2013 dollars).

1. The key to maintaining the stock market's currently lofty level is to keep the financial stress at a near record low. That's right. Keep it there permanently. Just say no to stress.

2. The key to maintaining the financial stress at a near record low is to keep the stock market at its currently lofty level. That's right. Keep it there permanently. Just say no to stress.

What could possibly go wrong with this circular reasoning strategy? As seen in the chart, there hasn't been this little financial stress in the system since the top of the housing bubble in the mid 2000s! Oh, what a carefree time that was!

I am very optimistic about our long-term future!! ZIRP! Employment growth! Real GDP growth! Real median household income growth! Uncharted territory growth! You name it! It's going to be an adventure.

February 11, 2014
ASX bets on derivatives clearing

"We don't even celebrate trillions any more," the Englishman recently elevated to the top job of global clearing house LCH Clearnet, told The Australian on a recent visit to Sydney.

It's not quite so flippant a comment as it might seem. The arcane world of over-the-counter derivatives such as interest rate swaps that Davie inhabits turns over $600 trillion of notional value a year, so a trillion is not far off being a rounding error.

This concludes the sarcasm report.

Source Data:
St. Louis Fed: Custom Chart

The Sarcasm Report v.184

The Sarcasm Report v.184
January 27, 2014
Why Norovirus Is So Nasty and Terrifying to Travelers

The virus is not killed by alcohol sanitizers. It survives and can be infectious on surfaces,” he said. "People who are infected will shed the virus for days after their symptoms resolve. This is a real problem for food workers on cruise ships. Lastly, if you go into a bathroom that has been used by someone who has the norovirus, you can get sick.”

Compare and contrast that to the following.

At least one travel agent said her clients seemed unfazed by these occasional outbreaks.

“It’s really nasty,” Peggy Knipp of First In Service Travel in New York City said of the norovirus. “But we haven’t seen any decrease in cruise booking. Unfortunately, it’s as common as getting a cold.”

She said people are more apt to pay attention to hand washing and may bring sanitizers in their luggage, but they don’t want to stay home.

Nothing says paying attention like bringing sanitizers to fight a virus that cannot be killed by alcohol sanitizers!

January 16, 2013
Doctors Warn of New Stomach ‘Superbug’ Hitting U.S.

Because no one has immunity to this new strain, more Americans — perhaps 50 percent more, the CDC says — could become violently ill.

While the flu is spread mostly in the air by sneezes and coughs and a person needs to breathe in as many as 1,000 virus particles to get sick, the norovirus is far more contagious. Just 18 norovirus particles can make a person sick.

My advice? Get yourself into a small enclosed area with many travelers from all over the world. Turn keeping your food down into a game. 50 bonus points for the spicy burrito combo platter with large orange juice! You can't win if you don't play!

And lastly, has there ever been a better time to invest in the shares of Royal Caribbean Cruises? Buy high, sell higher! What's the worst that could happen (again)?

Keep in mind that this *is* a sarcasm report. Any advice offered should be taken with a grain of salt doused in bleach.

The Sarcasm Report v.183

January 22, 2014
Forbes: Protect Yourself From A Treasury Bond Crash

How do you make money from this crash—or at least lessen your losses from it?



January 27, 2014
Wall Street Journal: Treasurys Swing Higher After New-Home Sales Lower

The newly revealed weakness in the nation's housing sector underscored the dependence of the economic recovery on cheaper financing, a key factor that will hold interest rates from racing higher this year.

U.S. Treasurys rallied strongly last week, as a selloff in global equity and currency markets prompted investors to flee risky assets and take shelter in the safe-haven market. Yields on the benchmark 10-year Treasury notes fell to 2.737% at Friday's close, the lowest level in two months.

The Sarcasm Report v.182

December 11, 2013
New Republic: Techies Are the New Puritans

You can preach compassion, equality, and be the biggest lover in the world, but there is an area of town for degenerates and an area of town for the working class. There is nothing positive gained from having them so close to us. It's a burden and a liability having them so close to us. Believe me, if they added the smallest iota of value I'd consider thinking different, but the crazy toothless lady who kicks everyone that gets too close to her cardboard box hasn't made anyone's life better in a while.

Emphasis added.

I know what you must be thinking.

1. Why doesn't compassionate Greg Gopman (CEO) and all the other biggest lovers in the world just stay the @#$% away from her cardboard box?

2. Should we really expect a toothless lady (who may actually live in a cardboard box) to do anything to make the life of a CEO better?

3. Is there some sort of special bubble suit that CEOs could wear to protect them from the decaying environment around them?



The Sarcasm Report v.181

The Sarcasm Report v.181
November 19, 2013
MSN Money: How to rescue your retirement at 55

Since this is a mainstream article one can probably assume that there are a lot of people interested in rescuing their retirement at age 55 or at the very least there are a great many people interested in how the retirement rescue advice might apply to them.

I have rearranged the order of the advice to maximize the dramatic effect.

1. Reduce your consumption

This works for everyone. If everyone does it, then we can expect the economy to crash again.

2. Don't plan for retirement; plan to keep working

This works for everyone. If everyone does it, then we can expect many of the younger among us to be stuck in low paying jobs and/or the unemployment lines. As an added bonus, since many are already straddled with student debt they won't be able to afford new homes. And without the ability to afford new homes, we can expect another housing crash.

3. Tap your house as an asset sooner rather than later

This works for everyone. If everyone does it, then we'd expect to see another housing crash. Selling your house and moving into a smaller less expensive one is net selling on average (by dollar amount). A crash is especially likely if everyone is consuming less and delaying retirement. See steps #1 and #2.

4. Stay in equities longer than you may think 'safe

You can increase the chance that you'll earn a higher return by staying in equities for longer and in a greater proportion.

Desperate people feel the need to do unsafe things. Increasing the chance implies that there is still a chance you could earn a lower return by staying in equities for longer and in greater proportion. This would make sense since stocks are considered "risk assets" and each one of the previous 3 steps in could be considered crash worthy on their own. Further, the wicked combination of all three steps at the same time could prove to be very crash worthy indeed.

In the post–World War II era, when interest rates rose after a long period of artificially low rates, bondholders lost money.

This is opposed to the pre-World War II era, when interest rates did not rise after a long period of artificially low rates. That era was in the aftermath of the Great Depression. Some sort of housing bust was eventually followed by a world war but let's not go into that now. Desperate people should not be reminded of Great Depressions and world wars, especially world wars removing global industrial capacity to the USA's manufacturing and industrial benefit. That could be greatly depressing, especially if we have no intention of successfully removing excess global industrial capacity any time soon.

Since you will probably live to about 85, do not go into bonds until you are about 70, and then only gradually," said Charley Ellis, a consultant to governments and large institutions and a former board member of Malvern, Pa.–based Vanguard Group.

Wait until the last possible moment on the off chance that the long-term trend actually reverses and that very few will be buying bonds when you are age 70. How many other 55 year-olds are desperately attempting to rescue their retirement? Do what they do! Postpone and pray! It's not like we could be stuck with ZIRP for 20+ years like the Japanese were after their housing bust in the 1990s! Right? Stick with stocks like the Japanese did if you want to have a sporting chance!

October 24, 2013
BBC Sport: Gambling footballers take out payday loans - Sporting Chance

"I was going to the dogs more regularly and that's when it became a problem. I started going to the bookies during the day. It just snowballed to a point where I was frequently spending a month's wages and then borrowing money off loan sharks.

"Towards the end it got very, very bad. There was a point where I was clearing 30 to 40 grand a month and within a week or two that was gone.

"When there was no money left there, I was getting it from elsewhere to fund my habit."

This is not gambling advice. You know this to be true because if it was gambling advice then I'd be mentioning record margin debt and I have no intention of bringing that up in polite conversation.

The Sarcasm Report v.180

The Sarcasm Report v.180
November 16, 2013
Backlash over changes in flood insurance

A complex new federal insurance law is having so many unintended consequences that some of its original sponsors and backers are now trying to delay it.

It's not the Affordable Care Act.

The Hunt for Red October (film)

Ambassador Andrei Lysenko: There is another matter... one I'm reluctant to...

Dr. Jeffrey Pelt: Please.

Ambassador Andrei Lysenko: One of our submarines, an Alfa, was last reported in the area of the Grand Banks. We have not heard from her for some time.

Dr. Jeffrey Pelt: Andrei... you've lost another submarine?

The Sarcasm Report v.179 (Musical Tribute)

October 14, 2013
Macy's to open on Thanksgiving for the first time

I'm in Macy's at least once a week telling them that they better @#$%ing well have those doors open by 8pm on Thanksgiving Day if they know what's good for them. @#$% their workers! If I'm there, then they @#$%ing need to be there too!

The department store chain cited increasing demand from shoppers for the earlier opening.

Excellent! I also gave them a serious ultimatum that I wasn't going to buy a @#$ @#$% @#$%ing thing unless they kept those @#$%ing doors open for at least 24 hours. I was extremely polite about it I assure you, although I did have a few choice words for the store manager.

In a release issued late Monday, the Cincinnati-based chain said it will open its doors at 8 p.m. on that day and will remain open for 24 hours straight until the close of business on Friday, which is usually about 10 p.m.

Excellent. It's nice to see Corporate America bend to the will of the people for a change. This is no time to be @#$%ing around with my holiday season. I want to go from my dinner table directly to their cash register. Sleep's for @#$%ing losers! It's the only way I can enjoy all that the holiday season has to offer. It starts with the slow digestion of the turkey dinner and ends with an all-night shopping spree. There's just no @#$%ing way I can @#$%ing wait until Friday, Saturday, or Sunday.

Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful. They should be @#$%ing thankful that they are giving me exactly what I repeatedly demanded.

Don't just assume that all the @#$% within this post is profanity. This is a sarcasm report. It can be whatever you want it to be. It might even be references to Candy Mountain goodness. Who knows! ;)

The Sarcasm Report v.178

August 13, 2013
Rise in retail sales signals stronger growth

Retail sales jumped in July, unhampered by an increase in fuel prices, according to government data.

Gasoline station nominal sales were unhampered by an increase in fuel prices? Shocking!

Retail Sales for July 2013 (Musical Tribute)

Click to enlarge.

Here's the best part.

July 1, 2013
California 3.5-cent gas tax hike kicks in for drivers

Prices are going up 3.5 cents. California drivers were already paying 36 cents a gallon in state taxes, but the hike means drivers will pay 39.5 cents. Including the other local, state and federal taxes, California drivers will be paying 72 cents in taxes on each gallon alone, making for the highest prices in the nation.

That's like a seventh of our country! Just look at all that unhampered growth in July! Amazing!

Aug 9, 2013
Restaurant sales, traffic sink in July

“July was a very disappointing month for the restaurant industry,” Lynne Collier, an analyst with Dallas-based Sterne-Agee, wrote in a report. “However, it is our view that we are not heading into a protracted downturn.”

Who said anything about protracted downturns? Why are we bringing that up at all? Resilient! Strong! These are the words I wish to hear! Unhampered growth I tell you!

The report said that based on conversations with numerous restaurant companies, Collier believes the downturn in sales resulted from the Fourth of July falling on a Thursday, poor weather and higher spending on big-ticket items such as homes and autos.

Thursday! Yes! Because nobody would ever think to take Friday off too! I certainly never did! Why burn a vacation day on that? Makes no sense! And nobody ever eats out on the 4th when it is a weekday. That's just nuts! No, sir. It's best to just go to bed early and sleep. That's what I love about the 4th: peace and quiet. You could hear a pin drop at 8pm around here. I swear!

Poor weather everywhere in the country! Simultaneously! For the entire month! And let's not forget all that higher spending on big-ticket items such as homes and autos and food and gasoline too!

This concludes the sarcasm report. Not much sarcasm this time let me tell you!

The Sarcasm Report v.177

August 8, 2013
Obama Urges Greece to Grow Its Economy

In a meeting in the Oval Office, Mr. Obama told Antonis Samaras, the Greek prime minister, that policies focused only on spending reductions would not help Greece return to economic prosperity.

This isn't rocket science. Greece just needs to crank up the monetary passenger car registration printing presses.


Click to enlarge.

Phase 1: Print 30,000 passenger car registrations
Phase 2: ?
Phase 3: Economic prosperity restored



Source Data:
St. Louis Fed: Custom Chart

The Sarcasm Report v.176

The Sarcasm Report v.176
July 6, 2013
CNBC may tinker with primetime

CNBC saw some of its lowest ratings in May since 2005, according to Nielsen. In 2012, CNBC was off 13 percent in its core audience.

I'm still glued. I love to see analysts fight over a stock. You know. One says that it will rise by 10% and the other claims it will rise by 20%. That's great info for me. I just average their estimates, assume I'll earn that over the long-term, and then go on spending sprees at my local Sears, J.C. Penney, and Radio Shack.

And don't even get me started on how useful Mad Money and Fast Money are to me. I love both of those shows so much that mere words can barely do it justice. Mad? Yes! Fast? Yes! It's the only way to make risk-free money over the long-term now that the economy has been horribly crippled and disfigured.

In fact, I use the information I get there to compete with other people also getting their information from there. It's like getting inside information that's actually shared with everyone. Not only that, but this mechanism really levels the playing field between retail traders and institutional traders. I'm watching a TV with some crazed guy pushing sound effect buttons but they only have supercomputers and advanced trading algorithms! What could possibly go wrong?

The Sarcasm Report v.175

December 11, 2012
Give Away Your Money Before 2012 Ends

Done. Now what?

The Sarcasm Report v.174

November 30, 2012
You're 55 and have $100K to invest. What to do?

Keep your costs down and don't settle for meager returns if playing catch-up

Emphasis added.

Hail Mary Pass

A Hail Mary pass or Hail Mary route in American football refers to any very long forward pass made in desperation with only a small chance of success, especially at or near the end of a half.

The expression goes back at least to the 1930s...

Ah, yes. The Great Desperation strikes again. Hail Mary time!



And if that doesn't work...



There's nothing quite like a well executed confidence game to even the odds.