The Sarcasm Report v.178

August 13, 2013
Rise in retail sales signals stronger growth

Retail sales jumped in July, unhampered by an increase in fuel prices, according to government data.

Gasoline station nominal sales were unhampered by an increase in fuel prices? Shocking!

Retail Sales for July 2013 (Musical Tribute)

Click to enlarge.

Here's the best part.

July 1, 2013
California 3.5-cent gas tax hike kicks in for drivers

Prices are going up 3.5 cents. California drivers were already paying 36 cents a gallon in state taxes, but the hike means drivers will pay 39.5 cents. Including the other local, state and federal taxes, California drivers will be paying 72 cents in taxes on each gallon alone, making for the highest prices in the nation.

That's like a seventh of our country! Just look at all that unhampered growth in July! Amazing!

Aug 9, 2013
Restaurant sales, traffic sink in July

“July was a very disappointing month for the restaurant industry,” Lynne Collier, an analyst with Dallas-based Sterne-Agee, wrote in a report. “However, it is our view that we are not heading into a protracted downturn.”

Who said anything about protracted downturns? Why are we bringing that up at all? Resilient! Strong! These are the words I wish to hear! Unhampered growth I tell you!

The report said that based on conversations with numerous restaurant companies, Collier believes the downturn in sales resulted from the Fourth of July falling on a Thursday, poor weather and higher spending on big-ticket items such as homes and autos.

Thursday! Yes! Because nobody would ever think to take Friday off too! I certainly never did! Why burn a vacation day on that? Makes no sense! And nobody ever eats out on the 4th when it is a weekday. That's just nuts! No, sir. It's best to just go to bed early and sleep. That's what I love about the 4th: peace and quiet. You could hear a pin drop at 8pm around here. I swear!

Poor weather everywhere in the country! Simultaneously! For the entire month! And let's not forget all that higher spending on big-ticket items such as homes and autos and food and gasoline too!

This concludes the sarcasm report. Not much sarcasm this time let me tell you!